Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Trust & Fear

Fear is a funny thing. I feel like every time I "conquer" a fear, I forget about it for a while and then suddenly, there it is again. Unconquered, rearing it's ugly head, oftentimes disguised as a new fear, but still the same old "frienemy." I was thinking tonight how Trust is the opposite side of the same coin. Someone may earn my trust, but that trust can be tested, tried, broken, undermined, or simply fade. I may have to repeatedly give someone my trust. It's no wonder many succumb bitterness and distrust. Trusting, loving, being unafraid, these things take work. Lots of work. Especially when we are trusting human beings who are guaranteed to let us down at some point. We all make mistakes. We all sin. We all must constantly trade fear for trust, time and again.

But what about God? He is perfect, unfailing, unchanging, just, merciful, gracious--in fact, completely and totally trustworthy. So do I trust Him? Always, in all ways, at all times? No. Seriously. I live the most blessed life on earth, as far as I can see. I have more than I need to meet my needs, and in fact, my family and friends bring me deep joy on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. How could I ever doubt God's goodness? How could I ever be afraid when He is in control? How could I ever do anything but fall to my knees in adoration and gratefulness for all that I have been given?

Sometimes I just don't know. Sometimes I am very afraid. Afraid that I am not the loving wife and mother I want to be, that my precious baby be tragically lost to something like SIDS, that I will lose my own life and have to finally face the incomprehensible thing called death. I know that God is good. I know that He loves me. I see the evidence of that in Jesus, the visible representation of the invisible God. I see the evidence in every day filled with wonderful blessings. Yet still, I must fight to trust God again and again.

As long as I am a human being living in a broken world, I'm not sure that trust will ever be easy or that fear will ever be completely conquered.

Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes. You are my God, and I will give thanks to you; you are my God; I will extol you. Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever! (Psalms 118:5-9, 28, 29 ESV)

Friday, June 7, 2013

On Being a New Mom

Wow. I just typed a really broad and overwhelming subject line on this post. Maybe I will make this a series of posts. Of course, I probably won't even get to finish one since I hear the little one waking up from her nap now. She'll be hungry and want to eat, need a new diaper, want to be entertained for a while, then I'll realize the kitchen is a mess and try to clean it. In the middle I will get distracted because I will realize that I haven't watered my plants in ages. And what was I supposed to add to the grocery list? Oh, the baby is fussing again. Is it time to nurse her again already? How is it 3pm? My husband will be home soon. I should start planning dinner around the baby's feeding times. Darn it! I forgot about that load of laundry I put in yesterday afternoon. I bet it smells now and I'll have to wash it all over again. Wow, my toenails really need to be cut; I need to remember to do that the next time she falls asleep. Assuming I don't fall asleep too, of course. Throw in a little worrying about random uncontrollable events, some happy baby talking, and that my friends, is what my life looks like every day right now. Being a new mom is weird and crazy and overwhelming and fun and hard, hard work. 24/7. I want to blog more but somehow every day slips away before I even realize it. We'll see if I can make it happen...

P.S. This post seriously took me four hours to type and post. My point is made. LOL.